Do cats rule the world? Of course not. The idea alone is ridiculous. Everybody knows there are pathetic little pussycats and there is us, the real Cats. Pathetic little pussycats are miserable creatures, that have absolutely nothing to say in their lives. They take things as they come, being totally dependent on the good things life throws in their manger. Real Cats have a plan.
The first step of my plan, was being born on a farm, with the luxury of two mothers taking care of me. I hate to admit, my plan was not really working out the way I wanted. I hadn’t counted on having many brothers and sisters, but hey, I was still very young. My next goal was being adopted as soon as I could. Of course I went out of my way to look extra adorable, a little black furry thing with innocent blue eyes. Oh the irony, they picked my sister first, a common grey tabby. They said they didn’t want a tomcat, but I’d been practicing the big eye. So I gave the woman the eye and she changed her mind. I can still hear her saying; ‘Oh, but we have to have a black cat. Look at him, he is so adorable.’
Adorable! Little did she know. I had picked my humans, dragging my tabby sister along. I soon discovered a very promising human in their household, young and inexperienced like me, but with the same ambitions. He was the perfect one to bond with for my long-term goals. I started sleeping on his bed, making it easier for me to fill his mind with my idea’s, while he was sleeping. I could have done that anywhere of course, but being in his bed made him more receptive. He became my most loyal companion, and he still is. The woman was harder to control, I had to give her the eye several times when she thought she could mock me. She was convinced my ego outgrew my capacities. But like I said before, she didn’t really get me.
So year by year I worked silently on my secret plan, gathering an army of black cats around me. Some humans thought I had fathered them all. Alas that was not the case, but I really don’t like to go into detail about that. Slowly my army of black cats started to brainwash our humans. Now, you might think we are evil, but I assure you we are not. Humans need to be brainwashed, they are destroying our world! We cannot let them go on like this, it would be a catastrophe. What would become of cats when the world floods because of global warming? We might have to learn how to swim, yikes! We have to stop it! And let’s be honest, we can’t leave it to the humans. The world needs someone with vision.
It was a sad moment when I realized I was reaching the limits of my power on earth. I had to leave my young human behind, to be able to work on a bigger scale. So now I am working in the heavenly dominions, pulling strings from here. I still communicate with my promising human, he is spreading my word. He will be the prophet of a new religion.